Round 1 Results: COMPLETE

First, thank you for helping us reach our first fundraising goal and then some. A new goal will be posted when Round 2 opens.

Here are round 1 Results.  *****RESULTS ARE COMPLETE*****

An asterisk means Kissy is contemplating sending your work back. So try to turn it around if you can.

For code definitions, see our free-tique feedback code list.  For those of you with later numbers, Iskipped the codes to get you the results faster. So just read the notes.


# Type Send in next page (250 words) Back to start Rd1 Notes
0 YA X
1 PB X* curious to see where this goes, but story seems a shade too depressing versus engaging so far
2 PB X – 05, 22 liked the educational aspect of premise, but reconsider execution
3 PB X – 09 understand where you’re going with this, but still too confusing, lost patience – scale back on unfamiliar words
4 MG X
5 PB X
6 YA X Writing could be tightened
7 YA X* Opening scene feels a shade cliché but I’ll see what happens next
8 PB X* Concerned about the overall length of the work and amount of story delivered in 125 words … hmmmm
9 YA X Writing could be tightened
10 PB X
11 PB X Interesting premise, but watch pacing. Could be even snappier.
12 YA X Watch for overwriting in spots, for the purpose of effect versus support of the story
13 MG X* Direct address to the reader can be troubling to me in an older work,  watch language in MG novels. But interesting start …
14 PB X* Concerned premise may be too slight, but many ideas here are highly relatable to target readership
15 MG X
16 PB X* Concerned about pacing, prose-ish style that would fit much better in a longer work
17 PB X* Feels a bit mature for a kindergarten audience, how relatable is this? But curious about the historical angle…
18 YA X* Direct address to reader in YA is particularly difficult to swallow with this premise, but forward action is established immediately.
19 YA X
20 PB X* Enjoy the humor of this piece, but not sure if I understand the so-what?
21 YA X
22 YA X – 20, 22, 40 Slow down a bit, perhaps find a different place to start that is not as dramatic. Need to care about the MC first before I can empathize with MC’s plight
23 PB X – 77, 78 Wondered if this was written too much like a short story versus a picture book.   Made me think the book may be longer than necessary for the story being told
24 PB X – 66 Found this concept, though not intentional, I’m sure, to be a bit “condescending?” or humiliating? as an opener
25 PB X Wondered if this one reads slightly older for a PB audience. But I’m curious to see where this goes
26 CB X
27 PB X – 66 Missing a child-like POV to connect with… but enjoyed the humor
28 PB X – 28 Feels a bit complicated / advanced for PB audience in terms of certain concepts.
29 PB X* Looking for the so-what to this interesting concept… Writing voice vould be improved though
30 YA X – 13, 33
31 ER X – 23
32 MG X – 34
33 PB X – 14
34 YA X – 13
35 PB X – 10, X-14 Feels a bit ordinary as a beginning, as if it could be written by someone else too- take the concept and execute it a bit more uniquely.  How does this character or story uniquely tackle a common premise (at least in the opening?)
36 PB X – 22, X-05 Feels very adult-oriented as an opening. Grasping for an instant connection with a child or child-like character. Reconsider execution (the opener here) so that connection can be more easily made.
37 PB X* There is a charm to the mc, but I’m concerned about the short-story style of this PB. Felt like writing could be snappier if less was said, instead of more. Leave more room for the illustrator.
38 MG X Writing could be tightened. But I want to see where this goes…
39 YA X-88, 20 Doesn’t read like a YA. Felt MC’s voice seemed perfect for MG audience.  Though I’d scale back just a leetle on the complaints. There’s a bunch of backstory here in the opening lines and I’m finding it difficult to engage with the MC’s current story.
40 MG X* Felt like the opening lines did not do enough to really pull me into the story. There’s a lot of tiny details here that make me wonder if the pacing of the story could be off.  Tighten a bit. I’m curious to see where this is headed nonetheless.
41 CB X* Writing could be tightened. Sounds a bit stilted in the opening page with the physical tags interspersed as they are.  See Revision 9-1-1 article about tag frenzy.
42 CB X
43 YA X
44 YA X* A shade confused. Slow down a bit and more clearly define whom the pronouns refer to…
45 PB X Did not connect with the premise.  For a picture book audience, I wondered if this dilemma is that universally relatable for the kindergarten set.  It seems to apply more to the much younger reader in my mind…  Is this idea universal enough for the target readership?
46 PB X Mom character/parents are sorta upstaging the kiddo connection here.  Consider restarting where the kiddo takes center stage so there’s a more immediate connection to be made.
47 PB X Like the idea of the dilemma the kiddo was facing, but questioned if the age identified is as relatable for the target audience. What if the kiddo were older? And still had this dilemma? The PB audience is older so consider building more relatability into your concept
48 MG X
49 ER X Reads more like  MG than an ER to me.  Consider transporting the voice, aging up the character, and creating a larger story in a format that has more room for this character’s voice and the writing style this is in.
50 YA X Interesting, but character felt more like MG, but I’ll read on and see if that impression still sticks with me….
51 PB X Like the humor, but all the disparate elements felt non-cohesive to me.  Wanted to see a more cohesive opening. Also this read slightly older in terms of style. Like young chapter book.
52 PB X Felt  style of this work is more suited for a short story or longer work.  See Revision 911 article for PBs.
53 CB X Could not connect with the premise. While unique, consider something more universally appealing.
54 YA X
55 MG X* POV inconsistency is a bit troubling. Hoping this issue does not persist.
56 PB X* The spin is interesting but is it unique enough from the classic?  Unsure yet.
57 CB X* Tthis is reading more squarely like MG to me. Can picture 6th/7th graders doing the same thing.  I’ll keep going with it and see if this impression continues…
58 PB X Concerned about the style here and the pacing. Feels very wordy for a picture book? Your writing style here is much more suited for a longer-work if you aged up the character and the premise.
59 MG X* Wondering if omniscient POV will be troublesome in future pages. It’s almost as if the adult is the main character in this book based on the opening lines…
60 MG X* Feels a bit disjointed in terms of flow… writing could be tightened
61 YA X Reconsider title though….
62 MG X* The monologue opening is done over and over again in submissions I see, while they can work, I’m worried that here it may be a crutch in this case…
63 YA X Could not connect with the MC. His/her voice felt part teen/part parental. It wavered between the two for me.
64 YA X* This piece feels overwritten, lots of great details but it’s feeling like every  detail that could be revealed is listed here. Almost like trying too hard. A bit distracting for me.  But there’s great potiential here if more control is applied.
65 PB X Could not connect with the premise. Fish out of water is a great concept to use in a PB, but here the execution does not feel as cohesive as it could.
66 PB X The voice here feels older but the kid’s intepretation of the world feels more picture-bookish. Get the two to align. Also consider how this premise could be more universally appealing. Consider using the style and the voice for an older work but give him older problems, etc. (Like chapter book or MG novel)
67 MG X
68 YA X
69 PB X Found this a bit complex and difficult to grasp quickly for a picture book audience.  It’s a fun idea as one element of a larger book for older readers as a fantasy.
70 PB X This really feels like it’s written in more of a short-story or longer work kind of  style.  The concept is good though.  Read Revision 9-1-1 article about picture books / illustratability as well.
71 PB X This works feels like its written in a short story / longer work style. As an opening, not much has moved forward in 125 words either.  Consider writing for older formats, too.
72 YA X* Not sure this is the most grabbing way to start a YA book, but I’ll go with it and see where this goes for now.
73 MG X
74 PB X The premise seems universal enough but I’d find a more fun way to fictionalize this story that feels “bigger.”  Right now it’s reading like this came from something that really happeend with the author and it was turned into a story.  Make it feel more like “big fiction.”
75 YA X* Interesting idea but the execution dominated completely by  interior monologe and backstory just feels like it’s not the most engaging way to begin a novel. Easily fixable.  But I’ll keep reading to see where this goes
77 PB X Writing style feels wordy for a contemporary pb book. Not much has moved forward in this many words.
78 PB X Adults take center stage in these opening lines. I’m looking for a connection with a child-like character. Try coming at this from a different angle.



15 thoughts on “Round 1 Results: COMPLETE

  1. Hi Cynthea,

    I have just been reading through the comments. You had sent me #21 in the email but in this list it is a PB. Mine is a YA and, looking through the comments, I think perhaps #23 might apply to me. Would you mind checking that for me?



  2. Cynthea,

    So glad to be participating. I have a little crazy rescue dog as well, so I really appreciate your donations system.

    Probably a ridiculous question– can I revise as I go along? Example: Fix first 125 before I send in the 250. I just perused the site and I still can’t tell. Or do I send the next 250 and hope for the best?



    PS- It’s really hot here in Maine! Sorry if you explained this somewhere and I couldn’t find it! We are such babies up here in the heat.

  3. Thanks so much for doing this.

    Problem: You gave me #41 for my CB but #41 is listed as a MG,with 42 as a CB.Are the comments on #41 for me?

  4. I’m excited to participate, and sent in my first 125 during the open round, but have not received an email regarding my submission #. Checked spam file and inbox – nada. Can you possibly resend?

    Many thanks!

    – Cathy

    1. Your email came into me after the Round 1 deadline, which was on the 15th just before midnight. Your email came in this morning. So please make sure you wait to send in your submission when a round is open. Round 2 is now open, so Kissy is going to let you in for this round. But next time, wait until the next round is open. Arf!

  5. Arf! Thank you Kissy! One big juicy Gainesburger coming your way!

    I resent this morning and on 8/14 as well – maybe I was too early on Round 1? Yikes! So sorry and so grateful! 🙂

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